it’s always darkest before the dawn

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and it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.  right now the devil on my back is the anger, hurt, resentment and disgust felt toward my parents.  my dad, for being alcoholic and my mom for being with him all the years she has.  as my sober mind grows, day by day, i can’t stop myself from these feelings of intense rage over my father’s disease… i still have a hard time calling alcoholism a disease.  i know it is, but cancer doesn’t come in a vodka bottle that you pour down your throat.   so, the more days i have without a drink, i wonder why he never made the same choice so long ago. when he had young children.  or now, when he has young grandchildren. it baffles me and turns me into a raging lunatic, hell bent on seeking answers and demanding an accounting for. my monday night ladies meeting was beautiful. tears from mothers, sharing and rejoicing in our sobriety. but i was still angry. my angry heart is not easily soothed.  my sponsor tells me i must eventually forgive my father.  and my mom.  i must let it go…my hurt, anger and resentment.  i know she speaks the truth.  she says, “your dad isn’t an alcoholic to hurt you”  but it still hurts. i’ve been looking at the situation as though, if i can get sober, anyone can.  this is not the case. it’s a personal, individual choice and hard thing to do. not everyone wants it, or has the strength. i want to forgive them, my parents. my beloved mom and dad, who always showed my sisters and i a love that will fill us up forever with the knowledge that we were cherished beyond all material things in this world. i have the real blessing of parents who love me. i will never doubt i am loved, was loved.

i have to be rid of this burden, this devil…this rage for wanting a different childhood, a more peaceful experience, a more sober man as a father. it’s a desire for which i have no control over . the only choice is acceptance and forgiveness.  like my sponsor reminds me, “he isn’t an alcoholic to hurt you.”

florence + the machine:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs

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