The manic moods of the holiday season are upon us. Rushing to the stores, spending sprees, mindless acts of random purchasing…oh, and yes the time of year teachers want to kill their students or themselves…depends on the moment.
I’m marginally good though. I’m sober. That’s a start. But as the picture shows, I am crazy. Bat shit. Being sober really brings out the color in your cheeks. My balance is off. Emotions either too high or too low. Just too…much. Over-thinking,over -feeling, over doing, over it!
Someone stop this roller coaster ride, it’s time for me to get off. Oh my sponsor says to do my daily prayers and all will come into focus. “Look in the mirror and say, ‘I am beautiful. I am good enough’ Write your gratitude list.” This is me throwing up…ugghh. Work your program. If I worked anything out over the last two and a half months, it’s that I’m not well. Insane? Sometimes. Definitely afflicted with a mood disorder or two, or three. The cherry on top? Bright, burning red RAGE! She has come undone. But that’s somewhat refreshing. I do breathe a sigh of relief to finally see all my shades of crazy. Now to manage them. That’s not so easy to do. Trying to manage my emotions, stabilize my moods, control the waves…it’s impossible. I get stuck. Now I’ve learned to have them, be chaotic, useless, and move forward. Forward motion is progress. Therefore, I surrender to my affliction, my “character defects” But with surrender comes peace. Virginia Woolf said, “occupation is essential,” for purpose. I say, “surrender and sacrifice are essential”. I can’t come to know my best self, the self my soul seeks, without surrender and sacrifice. I am the vessel