running, biking, working, typing…not fucking drinking

I’m not the first to say it, but in the word’s of Geto Boys, “Damn it feels good to be a gangsta”…seriously. This shit is for real. I’m on some real shit. I apologize in advance that this post isn’t articulated as well as others. Every day I’m sober, I get stronger, more powerful and more “gangsta” like. See I’ve been thinking. I know, I know. AA will tell me “don’t think and don’t drink” because thinking hasn’t really benefited the alcoholic. The analysis, the obsessions, the lies we constantly repeat as a mantra, “you can control your drinking” it’s all wrapped up in our sick thinking. But sometimes thinking is good. God gave us a miraculous mind and its sole purpose is not only to problem solve but to re-learn, remember, and re-create our new reality. Our healthy mind can do that. So I’ve been thinking…I chose to get sober almost three months ago (90 days on Dec. 29)! During the past three months, I’ve held down my job as a school counselor in an urban public school. I’ve parented my two precious but persistent very young children. Not alone, thank God for a generous partner. I’ve gone to AA meetings, spent lots of time with my sponsor, gone to more meetings, gone to therapy, shopped for presents for loved ones, maintained a relationship with my husband; essentially..lived my life. I did not go to rehab. There are days, recently, where I’ve asked myself if that was the best idea. But my coping skills are adequate and my resources abundant; lucky I am. I did not check-out. Ok, if you need to, check-out. Or check-in (i.e. 28 days, 90 day treatment facility). But what if you can’t? Or don’t want to. What if…just what if, you chose to do it my way? If you make the decision to get sober after years of problem drinking while continuing to fulfill daily obligations, a few words of warning. It is HARD as HELL. I gave birth twice. Not cesarean, I pushed those beings out of my body. I know hard. I can do hard things (thank you G. Melton).
You don’t get a break. You hit the ground running. You put one foot in front of the other, while your body and mind experience torrential change. To increase your chances of survival if you go this route:
1. Run, hard and fast for a long time at least 3-4 x week
2. Write
3. Feel everything your body is giving you, but don’t question or think about it.
4. Cry…you will cry a lot
5. Talk to your Higher power (some call this praying, some call this meditation, some call it schizophrenia)
6. Rest, sleep, nap, when you can and you must for your poor body is dying and resurrecting itself
7. Read (the Big Book, or not. I like to read some parts but other books too, like Augusten Burroughs, “This is How…”
8. Above all, make yourself priority number one. Not how you used to, by telling yourself, “I deserve this drink (bottle) so I am gonna ‘treat’ myself to a couple (10) rounds and a nice hangover.” NO what I mean is you are worth the struggle to get better. You/Me/We can claim what was so freely given. Take it. Make it your priority.

Advertisements

One thought on “running, biking, working, typing…not fucking drinking

  1. I love you and am proud of you. You are strong and I am praying for you daily. I know that some days, weeks, months or even years in our life can be HELL…but, continue to care for yourself. You are loved, mom

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s