yen & yang

I suppose it’s only natural that when one part of your life improves another takes a hit. Marital and financial woes…or those may be the same thing. I don’t know. What I do know is that this is a disastrous time in my marriage and money situation. How could we let this happen? Responsible adults don’t let this happen. All the shoulda, coulda, woulda overwhelm me and remind me that some where along the way, a wrong turn or choice was made. I can’t keep going down this path. Why is it, Universe, that when something gets “better” another gets “worse”…or at the very least one is neglected due to the over-powering magic of the miracle that is occurring. Ok, something’s gotta give. My focus has been on sobriety and wellness and health. All physical sure, but mental is where all the hard work is done.
My partner-in-crime is the best in many ways. Not so much in communication. Or I guess I’m not open enough to inspire good communication. It’s true that bonds don’t break over money, habits, lying, or any other detail that could have been resolved had a little good communication occurred along the way to destruction. I’m distraught because even with therapy, even with sobriety, our bond is breaking. We are too hot headed individuals that I suppose “want to be right more than we want it to work”…that’s a therapy bone I’m throwing you. Consciously I’ve tried to become more the “want it to work” partner due to sobriety giving me perspective. The bond is still breaking. Incessant fighting. Name-calling, blame-shifting…not good stuff. Young children exposed to this makes it heavier a burden for me. I do feel lost. I feel his anger and resentment. Probably over my drinking days and behavior. I’m doing a “walking 5th step”. Making amends. And I don’t really want to get into specifics. It’s in disrepair and bridge needs to mend so that communication is easy. Not fighting to speak and state a point. To hear and not judge. To listen and not defend territory. Marriage in its purest, most beautiful manifestation is a side-by-side walk into the unknown, knowing a hand is holding yours. Problems along the road are met together and solved together. There is no I in Team, goddammit. Fuck. I know what has to change but does he? We’d need to talk first.

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7 thoughts on “yen & yang

  1. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable enough to share how you are really feeling. Anger is always a secondary emotion, do you know what I mean? I found that under my anger is HURT, for example. Or I’m offended. But I don’t express hurt first…I express anger first.

    I feel a lot of compassion for you, after reading your post. It is ALWAYS worth it (communication), even if it doesn’t appear to be at first (yelling leading to guilt). Just keep apologizing. Keep healing. Keep moving forward.

    I learned this one the hard way, so if I can spare you a shitload of hurt, here I am. You’ll be okay. Just keep talking it out. And angry sex works too šŸ˜›

  2. This is brave to share and difficult to endure. You are committed and have the right mindset; I know it can be challenging to maintain. I just wanted to let you know that there are resources available to help support you and your marriage. I work with couples to repair communication pitfalls and sustain lasting results moving forward. Online and phone services are available for those not located within the DC metro area.

    Best,

    Sarah

  3. He is a hurt but good man. Continue to “take the high road” & run, knit, play w/girls rather than argue. Arguing takes two.
    I love you deeply & truly; my prayers are w/ you all.

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