I’m dropping down a rabbit hole…as good things come in 3s (see previous post), so do bad things. Good things: my daughter and I both share a birthday this week. And I made 141 days sober recently (as my sister figured was 1+4+1=6 or 3+3!). Bad things: Now my descent into madness has begun. I drastically underestimated my recovery process, it’s effects on my life. I’ve been fighting, going and going. But the time is nigh. I’m ready for some intensive outpatient treatment. I can’t keep doing what I’ve been doing. Yesterday I begged God /Higher Power to show me a sign that I still needed to be on this earth. Instead of driving my vehicle off the road, I made it home to my mailbox to find not one but 3! birthday letters in the mail for me from daddy, sister and my mountain granny. 3 figures who would suffer my demise. I can’t bear another human being’s suffering, much less that of my loved ones.
Suicidal ideation is serious stuff, and as a counselor I should know. (yep, that’s how miserable it is folks when you are in the “critical” stage of recovery, as my therapist pointed out during my frantic call to her) My misery felt /feels palpable and the thought that others would be better off without it (me) drives these thoughts of self-harm. Don’t worry. I have good healthcare. Maybe not such an understanding boss. But fuck him. Seriously. I have never fought for something so hard in my entire life. And if work/career has to be the thing that gets neglected, well so be it. I cannot neglect my well-being, my children’s well-being, my family’s well-being. So I’m signing up for the program. AA and my sponsor are asking me to “do the work” that I haven’t been doing so much of…the praying, the reading of the BIG book, the calling sponsor, the going to meetings more often. But you see, having a career makes it 3x as difficult. Not that I don’t appreciate my job or know I’m important to it. But right now, I don’t have the energy for both job & recovery. And I’m praying my option is that I can keep the job and get better but if the job goes, at least peace of mind remains if I am willing to do the work. This isn’t easy. Don’t let anyone tell you it is. I’m learning to sail my ship, preferably without drowning in the process. Sink or swim? I’d rather float. I’m weary of this world’s “sink or swim” philosophy. Wish me luck and say an extra prayer.