and the time is nigh?

I’m dropping down a rabbit hole…as good things come in 3s (see previous post), so do bad things. Good things: my daughter and I both share a birthday this week. And I made 141 days sober recently (as my sister figured was 1+4+1=6 or 3+3!). Bad things: Now my descent into madness has begun. I drastically underestimated my recovery process, it’s effects on my life. I’ve been fighting, going and going. But the time is nigh. I’m ready for some intensive outpatient treatment. I can’t keep doing what I’ve been doing. Yesterday I begged God /Higher Power to show me a sign that I still needed to be on this earth. Instead of driving my vehicle off the road, I made it home to my mailbox to find not one but 3! birthday letters in the mail for me from daddy, sister and my mountain granny. 3 figures who would suffer my demise. I can’t bear another human being’s suffering, much less that of my loved ones.

Suicidal ideation is serious stuff, and as a counselor I should know. (yep, that’s how miserable it is folks when you are in the “critical” stage of recovery, as my therapist pointed out during my frantic call to her) My misery felt /feels palpable and the thought that others would be better off without it (me) drives these thoughts of self-harm. Don’t worry. I have good healthcare. Maybe not such an understanding boss. But fuck him. Seriously. I have never fought for something so hard in my entire life. And if work/career has to be the thing that gets neglected, well so be it. I cannot neglect my well-being, my children’s well-being, my family’s well-being. So I’m signing up for the program. AA and my sponsor are asking me to “do the work” that I haven’t been doing so much of…the praying, the reading of the BIG book, the calling sponsor, the going to meetings more often. But you see, having a career makes it 3x as difficult. Not that I don’t appreciate my job or know I’m important to it. But right now, I don’t have the energy for both job & recovery. And I’m praying my option is that I can keep the job and get better but if the job goes, at least peace of mind remains if I am willing to do the work. This isn’t easy. Don’t let anyone tell you it is. I’m learning to sail my ship, preferably without drowning in the process. Sink or swim? I’d rather float. I’m weary of this world’s “sink or swim” philosophy. Wish me luck and say an extra prayer.


3 thoughts on “and the time is nigh?

  1. I will pray for you!

    In early recovery, I often thought – hey, I removed the addiction, why is this now so hard! Does anyone have any idea how much pain I’m in. What don’t I get. Why isn’t this all better now! What I learned is that arresting the addiction gets you a place at the starting line. The beginning point of recovery.

    It took me some time to realize that the hard part had just begun. Could I sprint a Marathon? No. Could I even run a Marathon? No. Well, how long is this Marathon? Ah…it’s the rest of your life…if your lucky! Then my discourse became – I don’t have time to practice and train. I’m too busy. I have all these other demands. There is simply no time. The answer I got back was – put your recovery first and the rest will take care of itself.

    I didn’t grasp what I was being told. I was unique and no one understood MY problems and MY challenges. Fact of the matter was that they all understood…they understood everything. They too had been right where I was. So, I spent the next three years, in and out of incapacitating depression and anxiety where many times suicide seemed like the only option. That was my path. Thank God I had put a year and a half into AA. It was the basic principles of AA that saved my life.

    Well into my fifth year of sobriety, I decided to go back to AA. It’s hard to find words that can describe how much the program has helped once I was all in. Equally, I’m often at a loss for words at how much my life has changed, all for the better.

    Taking that next step into recovery, learning about myself and what I need to do, is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But it has made me a better person, a better father, a better husband, and a better employee. It was painful and there was ample suffering along the way. But man has it been worth it.

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