march madness (or “in like a lion, out like a lamb”)

No I haven’t had the chance, or mental clarity, to post to my blog since entering treatment really. That was Monday, February 25. Seems like forever ago. That was a torturous night. But I’ve since had a revelation…um, a “breakthrough” as we call it in therapy circles. So my spiritual awakening (one of several I’ve had over the last almost 6 months of sober living) occurred Thursday afternoon. I rented a film, popular one with Denzel Washington playing lead as an alcoholic/addict airline pilot. If you haven’t seen it, you should. If you are in recovery, you may want to hold out until you’ve worked a fourth step. I only say this because watching this film slayed my insides, left me crying for nearly the entire 2 1/2 hours of excruciatingly honest portrayal of addiction. I’ve had better days. Rehab is not easy or fun. If you are here, like me, with some months sobriety but still questioning your sanity…you are heading in the right direction. Doing the steps as Bill and Bob wrote them more than 75 years ago will bring you face to face with your truth (which in truth, is all truth, the ONE truth). I imagine myself as Atreyu in The NeverEnding Story (a fav from my 80s youth), when he is challenged to cross the threshold of the Southern Oracle. If you haven’t seen the film, well…I’m sorry for you. The oracle looks into the soul of the one who dares to cross, and finally the courageous Atreyu faces a mirror that reveals his “true self”. Yes, this is exactly what happens when you get sober and thoroughly do a 12-step program. Your true self is revealed to you, and for most addicts/alcoholics this true form, my soul damaged, hurt and full of pain and sorrow, is so extremely difficult to see. I am honestly brought to my knees, physically, mentally. The reflection of my true self is at once horrifying, humbling and beautiful. Some of us can’t handle what is revealed in treatment, the one’s who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. And yes, there are such unfortunates. In fact, I’ve sat in the rooms with such people in AA and in treatment. Their defenses so cultivated, their self-preservation (or I would say, self-destruction) so strong, unable to admit they have no power over their addiction. I have a disease. It’s name is alcoholism. Once that is accepted completely without reservation, progress in sobriety is made. And only then. Back to the NeverEnding Story. In the end, Atreyu realizes his purpose. I think this is what life must be all about. Our purpose, my purpose. I have one. Obviously, or I would’ve died a long time ago. I pray that my own March madness ends in grace. That although this has been the most turbulent of times in my life, the transformation will leave me with some peace. Oh and just like the title suggests, this journey of purpose is a neverending one.

Neverendingstoryposter

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One thought on “march madness (or “in like a lion, out like a lamb”)

  1. as you know, our prayers have been w/you throughout this ordeal. we love you and am proud of your courage to face that “neverending wolf demom”, ie The Neverending Story. Ironic how that was one of your favorite movies, watched over and over…..giving you the courage as Atreyu when needed. You have accomplished much & our love will be w/you always. mom & dad

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