I’m gonna put it out there…I’m not ok. No es bueno… far from it. Changed my antidepressant a month ago, that must be part of the problem. Sober for 8 months now here’s hoping I reach the limit of rage and anger and fury that is self-directed and am able to move forward to the land of milk and honey. My kids have this as a mother (See above photo of angry baboon). Oh my husband gets that too. But I can justify giving him “angry baboon” but not my kids. I feel so depressed after the rage explodes all over everyone. It’s disgusting and humiliating and “I’m better than this…” but Goddamn it! I need help.
Talking about your rage and anger in AA is kinda forbidden. I mean, I tried it one or two times and it didn’t go so well. I mean I didn’t really garner any sympathy or understanding. More like, “Well if you were working your program…” and “You need to talk to your sponsor” and “If you just prayed harder” and while I find some of this helpful, most of it isn’t. Because…if I’m sitting in a room full of recovering alcoholics (some not really recovering) and they are telling me they just don’t “understand this rage”…I’m calling bullshit on you. Bull-fucking-shit. I just want one of you to come out of the closet and tell me this is how you feel every day and what you do to ease it. To get rid of anger’s incessant pounding in my head. What solutions can you offer, you liars club of alcoholic bastards? So some of that rage is directed to AA but in all fairness I do love you all, usually…80% of the time. Because I’m all out of answers. If someone doesn’t have any good advice on where to stick this hot rage, I’m going to lose my shit. I really don’t have the luxury or time to waste.
All truthful, helpful and creative suggestions are welcome. AA inspired or not.