sunday

hibiscus

This morning I had planned to bring our family to Catholic mass…which I realize is ironic. I don’t like church. It gets me uncomfortable and defensive. Organized religion. I went to Sunday school as a child, and so I want my girls to have the same spiritual foundation which for now I still believe the church provides. We don’t go often enough. We’re lazy in the morning.
I made the connection between AA and church long ago. And the fact that I recently dropped my sponsor and my home group, well, it really didn’t surprise me. Because I don’t like church. It doesn’t appeal to my Aquarian sensibilities: independence, critical thinking, rebellious, progressive. Yet my heart wants to know there is a power above self, a God, a benevolent force in the Universe, a light. And the only way I’ve found to instill this so far in young minds is through good works and alas, going to the church. It’s a start.

So no church for me. And now I’ve so many profound reservations about the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous. It resembles a church congregation too closely for me to be “all in.” The dropping of sponsorship was inevitable in my mind. I always knew the day was coming when my questioning nature would find faults not easily overlooked. Faults like blind devotion to a group, a sponsor, a program that insists I have “character defects” and must make a “searching and fearless moral inventory” . I actually do believe we, humans and addicts, have shortcomings. Addicts and alcoholics quite possibly have more. Therefore I must acknowledge them and work daily to overcome them. I honestly believe that 12 Step work and AA can give alcoholics tools to achieve this. But I have discovered painful truths about myself, in recovery, through my sobriety, that haven’t come at the cost of damning myself; to be always perpetually defective. That sure keeps AA in business though. And also the church. If it didn’t have sinners, I mean, what purpose would it serve?

Today church was planting a new hibiscus plant in my front yard, listening to Clare de Lune and Beethoven, and reading a daily meditation.

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