reunited and it feels so good

Ha. So I called my sponsor and asked her if we could get back together. After I dumped her. You know, with not even a year sober yet it was a bit premature to break up. Although I disagree with much of AA and sponsorship there is something critical about this relationship for a person in early sobriety. I’ve had the sensation of aimlessly drifting along, like a boat unmoored. I seek freedom. But I need a person to guide me along this path toward spiritual & physical liberation. Not just any person. Another alcoholic with 13 years living sober, doing life on life’s terms for a whole lot longer than me. She explained it to me like this, ” If you were learning how to be a doctor, you’d study medicine for years and practice for more years to be good at it.” Most days I feel like an alien walking on a foreign planet, trying to communicate with a species, in a language I don’t know; struggling and navigating in this strange, new world. Some will say you are as old as your chronological age. That would make me 34 years old. But not AA. They say you are as old as your sobriety. That would make me 11 months old. A baby. Shitting on myself. Babbling, stumbling, confused, scared, curious and innocent. I can’t disagree with the comparison. The more I resist the analogy, the more shitty diapers I find myself sitting in.

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