now the work begins…

12 months

that’s what I was told anyway, last night, as I eagerly accepted my one year sober chip.  now the work begins? what the fuck have I been doing the past 12 months? ughh the never-ending story that is preached by the AA legacy lifers, the “keep coming back, it works if ya work it” and a nice little “if ya don’t ya die”  well, I don’t disagree.  I mean, I know that if I drink again I will ultimately, eventually, unfortunately die.  a horrible death.  but the point is no hard work , no length of sobriety is ever enough.  we alcoholics are granted a daily reprieve from our illness.  my mind is torturing me now. I began today with the promise of a pray for serenity, but alas…

it’s such hard work, telling yourself you’re fine. you’re ok.  “you got this”  girl.  ha. i ain’t got shit.  but i do have 366 (no 67) days without a drink.  that’s something.  i think.  i feel.  but not right now.  this moment i feel old and shaky and worn.  abused, used, lied to, beat up, sucker-punched, kicked while down, and ridiculed …all by my own sweet mind.  this brain of mine, you see, is not very helpful. oh it will get the job done.  it can calculate and analyze and hypothesize like a mother fucker.  but it cannot intellectualize peace.  my mind doesn’t work that way.  its animal instinct is to problem-solve its way out of addiction, out of anything.  brains.  who needs um? 

no seriously.  last night a girl with only 30 days cried admitting she feels she’s “losing her mind”   i told her she better get happy about that.  lose that mind real good.  lose it completely and totally.  surrender.  let go.  the mind isn’t of any help to us alcoholics.  trust me, i know. it has gotten me no where but drunk and guilty and despicably, utterly hopeless.  surrender to loss of mind and you will know peace.  a peace that passes all understanding.  understanding is for the brain.  peace and serenity are elements of the soul.

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