the permanent solution being suicide. my mood, my alcoholism, the “temporary” problem. that’s what i’ve been fantasizing about for too long. i know, as a counselor, not to ideate too long on this behavior. but because of my profound depression, ending it all always sounds appealing. last night i actually got the envelope down from the writing cabinet, pulled out a sheet of paper..yes, to write my good bye note. and then, i thought of myself actually doing something so terribly permanent and so awful and so selfish…and the paper i pulled from my writing cabinet was the same paper that my daughter had written her christmas list on. so there you have it. i laughed a little too myself. at how foolish i’ve become. how stupid and ungrateful. but it doesn’t fix my depression. the guilt accompanying my melancholy only exacerbates the problem. running helps. talking helps. writing always helps. unless it’s a suicide note i’m writing. ha ha. no really, it’s funny because it’s true.