Drink the Kool Aid

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Ok, I’ve REALLY had a spiritual awakening. 473 days ago I was at the end of my rope. I went to an AA meeting, stood up at the end of it, got a chip and sponsor and never looked back. Truthfully, I wasn’t sold on AA. I was sold on not drinking. Ever again. Like ever. Forever ever. AA says “One day at a time” and “easy does it” and a bunch of other program jargon that is part of our vernacular. I planned on staying sober but wasn’t sure how to do this, other than not drinking. For a year, I went to meetings and one meeting each Monday, as a rule. The “Ladies choice” group. However after picking up my hard-earned year chip, I got a case of the classic “fuck its” and didn’t have a carrot hanging in front of me.

The time between my one year anniversary and today has not been what I would describe as fun. It’s been rough folks. Straight up. Not necessarily “white knuckling” it; avoiding a drink but fiercely desiring to uncork a few bottles. But questioning, “why am I doing this? and why is this so hard?” I hadn’t grasped that there is much more to this sober life than simply not drinking. What has been missing these past few months is the “spiritual” component. Living a spiritual experience daily. Growth. Light. Nirvana. Seriously. It’s possible to be sober and be totally fucking miserable. I know this. But it’s also possible to be free. Be joyous. Be closer to God (insert whatever/whoever Higher Power) than ever.

Language does no good at describing and explaining what I’m talking about. But I’m going to try my best. Before Christmas I went to a random AA meeting. the people at this particular meeting spoke my language. I could hear them. I walked out feeling better and not so “alien” on a strange planet full of drinkers. After the holidays I returned to this meeting. I ran into an old rehab buddy. He was working on 9 mo. Afterward, a girl approached me. I recognized her from my home group. She’d been there months ago. This chick was really talking in words I not only could hear, but understand and relate to my own experience. Turns out, her family lives on the same block (the SAME block) as my sister. Who, by the way, lives 1000 miles away. Things are not by coincidence. Or they are. Whatever. This AA member knows her stuff. She’s answered my questions, actually dispelled myths for me, guided me into a room I didn’t know was even open to me. I didn’t know before but I know now. I prayed a 6 step prayer, again. I want to use this vessel for all good things. No more fear, no more anger. And when it comes I want to quiet it and go beyond it. To peace and love and joy. All good things. I didn’t know before that alcoholism, recovery, sobriety and all this AA stuff can actually propel my ass into the very realm I’ve been searching for. Kingdom of Heaven, under the Bodhi tree, right here and now in my own ordinary days. She’s awake. Or asleep. Or all of the above. LIke I said, language is useless.
I’m getting the message now. My tin foil hat is tuned to the right channel. I’m drinking the Kool Aid now instead of the alcohol.

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One thought on “Drink the Kool Aid

  1. There really is more to this sober life than simply not drinking. I am often turning inward to poke around and turn over a few dusty objects to see what I can stir up when things are going awry, and when they are not. This introspection has allowed me to grow in sobriety but also brings to light some of my defects of character that ultimately need to be addressed but are difficult to come to terms with. Such it is in this crazy sober life.
    I appreciate what you do here and look forward to your posts.
    Take care and be well!

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