I made 18 mo on March 29th. How did I do it? I have no one way to stay sober, to speak of, other than don’t take the first drink. For a year and a half I’ve not had one drop of an alcoholic beverage. Seems impossible to me still. To think I have avoided that “first drink” for this long. Of course, I’m struggling to give myself the credit. I’m with a new sponsor now, attending meetings regularly, doing lots of step work. It is by the grace of a forgiving God that has led me to sobriety. My Higher Power gets the credit in AA. It’s a bitch. But recovery is work. It isn’t supposed to be easy. If sobriety was easy, than there wouldn’t be so many drunks dying every day, destroying their lives and the lives around them. Loved ones wouldn’t be mourning the dead addict, the daughter who OD’d, the brother who crashed and burned, the father who drank his one last drink. How lucky to have a temporary reprieve. This is bullshit. 24 hours a day I’m an alcoholic. Drinking wasn’t the problem, I was. I am still. My brain says “be angry; you are different; it’s not fair; you’re fucked; a failure.” To be happy, joyous and free is the prize I mostly feel I will never win. To be in active recovery means different things. But for me, up to this point, I haven’t been active. More like inactive. Isolating, avoiding, hiding, fearful and paranoid of those around me. Not truly participating in my recovery. Just NOT drinking. That’t aint what it’s about, yall.
I want peace. I want to relish my days, be grateful and shout it from the mountain tops. It’s not that pretty. But I do have my moments of serenity. Of acceptance and glimpses of “spiritual awakening” If I sound sarcastic about AA it’s because I’m still not sold. Oh I’m shopping around, for sure. I like what AA stands for and it has helped me remember my “bottom” and reminded me of my sickness. I just can’t understand how AA wants me to be happy, joyous and free but also be sick. I’m always one drink away from death. But maybe this makes moments all the more precious and sweet. AA will win me over soon I fear. They say its the treatment for what I’ve got.