Being in Recovery is Hard

“What is to give light must endure burning”  Viktor Frankel

 

I don’t know.  Funny my last post was on acceptance and how wonderful alcoholism has been in my life to teach me acceptance, surrender and powerlessness.  But mostly alcoholism sucks.  Mostly “being” in recovery is like being on a hamster wheel with no breaks, no water, no time outs.  Constant vigilance and action are exhausting.  Of course, doing the same thing over and over again –like drinking until drunk, hung over and guilty– will tire you… but I guess the good thing is this hamster wheel is more like a running river.  The hamster wheel was my active alcoholism.  I was going nowhere fast.  Now in recovery, I’m a rough rock in the river bed.  Being washed over daily by the river’s flow.  Polished.  But how does it feel to be ground down and made beautifully smooth?  It hurts.  Yes.  It really is quite painful.  The 12 Steps, working the program, being faithful, trusting that a power greater than myself will guide me and bring me peace is asking a lot of anybody but especially a wretch like me.  I mean honestly?   Jesus walked on water and healed the sick.  Not me;  I’m never going to have that kind of trust.  I’m just not.  For me to have any success in the “surrender and wave the white flag” game I’ve got to be beat mercilessly and habitually into the dirt by my own will.  I can’t let anything go easily without spending my last drop of sweat fighting its release.  Stupid I know.  Back to being a river rock:  the water is life, I am the stone.  All the rock has to do is lay down and be still.  That’s it.  And it will be made beautiful. 
Now is the perfect time of year to repeat this mantra to myself and remember the story of resurrection and renewal.  Pain is required to bring about magnificent change.
“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.”

Behold, I make all things new. There is no pain, no difficulty, no obstacle, no death that will not bring forth the Springtime. April showers bring May flowers. Clouds part, and the sun shines. I’m hopeful. It’s hard but something new is being made.

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