Jesus. For the past week I’ve been on a veritable spiral downward into madness. One old-timer described his first 5 years of sobriety as the “Agony and the Ecstasy” and that is truly formidable. I can’t do 5 years of agony /ecstasy. Yes I’ve been sick. Yes I have PMS. But this is nuts. I made 19 months a couple days ago. I guess some in AA say 2 years is transformative. Well at least I’ve heard that. If you make 2 years without a drink, it’s all smooth sailing after that. I don’t know, it can only get easier and better. No one can describe what it is to live a sober life. I’m figuring that this must be what my mind is like “off the sauce” and my mind is not a good place to be. Usually. And especially sick and PMSing. I have a very knowledgeable sponsor now, wise and calm, who advises me to PAWS and remember HALT and pray. I pray. How much prayer can do for an “unquiet mind” seems insignificant. Maybe I’m doing it wrong. Not believing enough. The miracle of recovery comes and goes.
I’ve never worked so hard in my life. This week I was so close to giving up. I’m sure I will feel this way in the future. I’ve got to learn a better way to cope. My brain wants me to kill myself. Fighting its murderous rage daily is so exhausting. I realize that having a spiritual awakening will take away this battle, bring relief. Surrendering to a HP and praying all the right things is supposed to work. It is much worse before the awakening. Trust me. I’ve written before that I believe you must “go thru hell to get to heaven” and that’s the road I’m on. It’s like 40 years in the desert. I don’t have the confidence at the moment to be excited about what is waiting on the other side.