Careful, your crazy is showing

Jesus.  For the past week I’ve been on a veritable spiral downward into madness.  One old-timer described his first 5 years of sobriety as the “Agony and the Ecstasy”  and that is truly formidable.  I can’t do 5 years of agony /ecstasy.  Yes I’ve been sick.  Yes I have PMS.   But this is nuts.  I made 19 months a couple days ago.  I guess some in AA say 2 years is transformative.  Well at least I’ve heard that.  If you make 2 years without a drink, it’s all smooth sailing after that.  I don’t know, it can only get easier and better. No one can describe what it is to live a sober life.  I’m figuring that this must be what my mind is like “off the sauce” and my mind is not a good place to be.  Usually.  And especially sick and PMSing.  I have a very knowledgeable sponsor now, wise and calm, who advises me to PAWS and remember HALT and pray.  I pray.  How much prayer can do for an “unquiet mind” seems insignificant.  Maybe I’m doing it wrong.  Not believing enough.  The miracle of recovery comes and goes. 

I’ve never worked so hard in my life.  This week I was so close to giving up.  I’m sure I will feel this way in the future.  I’ve got to learn a better way to cope.  My brain wants me to kill myself.  Fighting its murderous rage daily is so exhausting.  I realize that having a spiritual awakening will take away this battle, bring relief.  Surrendering to a HP and praying all the right things is supposed to work.  It is much worse before the awakening.  Trust me.  I’ve written before that I believe you must “go thru hell to get to heaven” and that’s the road I’m on.  It’s like 40 years in the desert.  I don’t have the confidence at the moment to be excited about what is waiting on the other side. 

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3 thoughts on “Careful, your crazy is showing

  1. If your neural system (brain) is ‘firing on all cylinders’ then your mind will present as overproducing; the ‘hamster wheel’ effect. So it can be helpful to be aware of what is happening, so you can put it into perspective and therefore not to feel overwhelmed. The mind gives the illusion of being the boss. It’s not. Try slow, steady comfortable breathing, allowing the breath intake to go all the way to your navel. Breathe like a baby, feel your belly relax and expand as you breathe in through your nose. Then, breathe out through your mouth. Try using, “I’m okay, and I’m going to be okay. Next, rather than letting whatever fictional scenarios your mind conjures be the pilot, reinforce facts. I am safe. I am hungry. I have food in the fridge, whatever is true and real. Stay with those as a check for where you really are at any given moment.
    So, hope this helps. A day at a time.

    1. thank you, it does help to remember these coping techniques. I really want to try meditation. I met with my sponsor yesterday and she gave me another idea for reminding myself to be fully present. each time I look at my wedding ring, say “here, here..now, now” the negativity slide show my mind plays on repeat can become difficult to ignore.

      1. Glad to be able to share what works for me. In times of stress, slowing down and allowing breathing to be my focus is a real saviour. So much of staying sober is about having tools to manage our stress.

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