Matthew 17: 20: He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”
I have a CD playing in my car, funky kids music, that sings about having tiny faith and how it can move mountains. I like this scripture. Ancient text translation for our modern day “If you believe it , you can achieve it.” Such a small amount of conviction is all it takes to bridge the gap from fear to confidence. Only, I require lots of mustard seed. LOTS. Throughout the day and week, I need frequent reminders that God surely has my back. Because lately depending on my SELF is a sure way to end up lost in the scary “head space” of addiction. Praying for “Thy Will be Done” each moment if necessary. Faith is knowing that the unknown is not to be feared but embraced. Faith, for us, is hard because it means no control, relinquishing it. Faith means someone else is in charge. Some omnipotent force guiding and steering my boat through the storms of life. And when I’m tired of trying to be the captain, crashing into rocks daily/hourly, I surrender to IT. I’m not sure why, almost 2 years sober, I keep insisting my ship’s bow be brought recklessly into wave after wave, drowning and sinking in the dark waters of my own miserable mind.
However, I can trust that this process has become a familiar one and I recognize the strength and courage it takes to surrender in faith. Usually good things happen when I’m not crashing and steering like a maniac. I’m the vessel, God is so obviously the shipmaster.