No more “crumbs of shame”

Every morning after a hard night of drinking, I would awake to a blinding hangover and thick coat of shame.  How I loathed myself for yet another failure to moderate my drinking.  Another obvious reminder I cannot drink normally.   Not unlike the walk of shame after a one-night stand, my shameful mornings destroyed my sense of self-worth and left me empty.  Literally empty if the morning included vomit.  Which many times it did.  The crumbs of shame I left in my wake each day and night trailed me for years. One could not so easily see the trail, but I knew it was there.  Shame was my cloak, guilt my crown, and remorse my scepter.  Now sober almost two years, my mornings start hard, l will never be a morning person, but without the residual shame and without the hangover.  If those two gifts alone were all sobriety offered I almost think that would be enough.  Yet living a sober life, with a sponsor and even a book to guide me, plus the spiritual and emotional growth that only a person in recovery from alcoholism will be so privileged to know, well…my cup runneth over.   It doesn’t always feel like I’ve hit the jackpot, but to know I never have to feel such shame and desperation again, the relief is something I expect to be eternally grateful.  Thus I continue the unusual work to maintain my sobriety and my freedom from shame.

 

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