Therefore we must look at causes and conditions says the Big Book. I like to think my resentments and depression are justified. Yet I haven’t gotten much relief from my righteous reasoning. Does it really make a difference if my anger, misery, unhappiness, grief and bitterness is warranted? I still feel horrible and remain locked in the desperate illusion that I am alone. The alternative is to be clear that anger and resentment– even righteous– is still anger and resentment. It sucks. Does more damage to me than whatever perceived source. And it makes life intolerable. Some of us would soon drink. Maybe I would too but after two years, I have a bit of confidence I won’t make that decision. However, I will stew and ruminate until I’m nice and suicidal. Which brings me to acceptance. I need a certain amount of pain to accept that there is another way to be. I can pray for my sanity to be restored and peace to be delivered. I can ask that my defects of character be removed. I can get relief from myself through saying the 7th step prayer down on my knees each morning. I tried it this morning, in fact, because my self-pity has been so heavy lately I feel like I’m being crushed by it. “Poor me,” I moan. “Why me?” I ask. Ugh. Everyone has a hard life in his own way. Pain is inevitable, suffering optional. The way towards ending my needless suffering, is through acceptance. Mixed with a little gratitude and a bit of grace by my HP.
Fully aware now, two years in, that drinking was not the problem. I was. I am. Learning and praying how to be gentle with the sober me.