Let it go

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My idle mind is the devil’s playground. I sit in silence, because like Rumi, I have a storm raging in my brain. When I find myself in this self-destructive mental space I create dysfunction and subvert precious moments. I make a mess of the day and am absolutely no help to anyone. My kids suffer. My husband suffers. My work suffers. I was suffering the negative thoughts of my mind and resisting them only made me more miserable. See, like most alcoholics, I believe what my head screams at me and take it as gospel. But it’s a liar. As my sponsor says, our brain thinks it can kill our bodies but go on living. I laughed at my brain. “You crazy brain, you want to kill me. That’s nothing new.” But when my Higher Power overcomes Self I’m free to exist. Practice this: “mood follows action” …when I just accept the noise of my head and move forward anyway. I know that taking one step in any direction seems to quiet that harmful noise. My brain tells me incessantly that “I’m not good enough, I can’t do IT, that I should be this or that, that I need more of this, less of that” and I usually listen and think it’s the truth. Funny how my intellect harms me. But I know today that part of recovery is giving up. Trying to control my head exhausts me and drains me of usefulness. That is not a life. I’m not living when I allow myself to be consumed by my depression, anxiety and hopelessness. If I surrender, let go of control, admit I am powerless over most things, a benevolent force begins to manifest. I know it’s not me doing it. In times of major life events, for me (i.e. bad break-ups, death, illness, births) the surrender to something greater than myself happens involuntarily. When I let go of Self (mind, intellect) I walk a spiritual path. The only solution today comes from choosing to go down this path. My life is not my own. It’s a gift. From a greater power.

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