A wise woman once said “Nothing will work unless you do”. I feel this is where I’m at now; over two years sober and life on life’s terms has become unbearable for me. The day to day search for meaning, motivation and push to live in moments. I have a real problem with acceptance. Nothing is working the way I planned. Isn’t that ironic? I guess I assumed things would be easier. Listening to a speaker podcast yesterday, one guy said “the longer I’m sober the harder it gets” Exactly. This life is hard to swallow. The responsibility and burden of making each day count. I get overwhelmed and exhausted. Or maybe I’m lazy. I feel like I’ve climbed a mountain and I’m looking down from the peak to all that lays ahead before me and it’s too much. My sponsor reminds me, “How do you eat an elephant?” One bite at a time. One day at a time. I wrote that on my bathroom mirror in eyeliner. I’ve forgotten it’s there. I wish I could inhabit that place my higher power graces me every so often… the joy of gratitude that washes over me in certain moments. I long to have it accompany all my day and nighttimes; but it’s fleeting. Another irony.
One of my favorite parts of the big book is the chapter on acceptance. The knowledge that nothing, absolutely nothing happens in Gods world without a grand purpose. Even my suffering thru sobriety, my discontent, brings me to the place I must need to be. I don’t know the plan. What I want, and what God wants, are two entirely separate things and getting those two things to align is the challenge of my life.