I’ve hit so many walls this past year coming head first with ugly character defects. Work brought me daily strife and constant problems to be solved. Personally we suffered a family health crisis. Those two circumstances loudly proclaimed, “think you can handle life? Let’s see!” Humility. Not my favorite dish to eat. However a necessary one on this spiritual journey of recovery. If I could rely on my own will and intellect to guide me through life’s many lessons I would never reach out to a higher power. I wouldn’t need to. I’ve had to ask God for his mercy this year in ways I never anticipated. The act of surrender is such a humble one. But it takes great strength and acceptance. Why must I require so much pain as an antecedent to my reaching out for help? My sponsor tells me, “It isn’t hard…it doesn’t have to be this hard.” I alone make things so. I didn’t realize what parts of myself I was fighting desperately to keep; the self righteous anger, the rage and the overwhelming sadness. Keeping them meant I was totally justified in my own opinions and actions. I didn’t answer to anyone or anything. And how hard the battle to maintain control of my life was that it almost killed me. I never knew such hopelessness. All I’ve experienced this year illuminated one hard truth…I’m not in charge. Nor now do I want to be. In the moment, life is such marvelous perfection that it doesn’t need my interference. The struggle. The victory. All of it quite beautiful. I’m not the one in charge of this masterpiece. I ask His patience and for the courage to accept whatever happens. The parts of me that are “defective” (desire to control, unforgiving, judgemental, paranoid, hopeless) say I can’t be happy in the moment. Ironically, this is the only place to be.