improving my conscious contact with HP

I resigned from my job a month and a half ago.   I gave almost 10 years to a large urban public school system.  My big life plan (reminder: we plan, God laughs) was to retire from the system but the last few years and especially this past one proved that plan was a bit shortsighted.   Now with close to 3 years sober and life coming into focus more clearly than ever before, I made a monumental decision to jump the track.   To avoid a train wreck.  After leaving my job, I spent the good part of the month in a state of unease and panic, waking up to the unknown each day.  I didn’t have a PLAN when I walked away from that career.  I just knew I couldn’t do it one more day.  Therefore, the days after were terrifying but I found a way to manage my fear.  Prayer and meditation.  Otherwise known as the 11th step.  The reason prayer has worked for me in recovery is it immediately forces my mind to seek an outside source of help; my mind likes to think it knows everything and can solve any problem .  Usually propelled by painful amounts of anxiety, fear, confusion even hopelessness, I seek some relief that only the actions of prayer and meditation can provide.  I don’t pretend to know the answers to my problems these days.  God-Higher Power-Peace-Serenity-Acceptance comes to me only when I’ve recognized I’m not capable of understanding the master PLAN of my life.  All the what-ifs, the unknowns, the total lack of control and the disorder are perceptions of my mind and not to be feared.  Are they uncomfortable to sit with?  Yes.  Absolutely.  But what I’ve found this past month and truly the length of my sobriety, the more I rely on HP to figure this shit out, the better off I am.  I have a  choice each day to improve my contact with this source of great peace and love.  In the Big Book, I believe the chapter for agnostics, states that the nearer we draw to Him the more that presence is felt.  I will say this to be true.  The more time I spend on my knees acknowledging that power,  the proof of the power at work in my life becomes known.

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